Reasons Why Not

So I've been reading this book called "Emily's Reasons Why Not" by Carrie Gerlach, basically about a girl who has turned 30, all of her friends are married (sound familiar?), and she's wondering why all of her friends have been lucky at finding love while she hasn't. So she goes to a therapist, and the therapist asks her to go through the stories of old boyfriends, and write a list of the 10 reasons she should have known she shouldn't be dating them. And so each chapter is the story of a relationship, with the reasons popping up throughout as each realisation occurs that this new guy is not the guy for her. And some of the reasons are cute, like, "If you have to hide your relationship, it isn't worth hiding" or "Monetary gaps in the bridge over the river of a relationship are unsteady" or "Male or female, dating someone in college is too young if you're in your thirties." It's kind of cute, so let's go with that format somewhat to talk about my date today, or basically one's guide to "How Not To Have A First Date".

1. Don't Be Late

As I'm on the train headed to our pre-determined meeting spot, he texts me (got my number off of a mutual friend, slightly stalkerish, although I suppose necessary) to tell me he'll be 30 min late. When we're meeting near where he lives anyway. Because he'd been out at a raging party in Hampshire last night, woke up on a friend's couch with a raging hangover, and was late getting back down to London. So I get to go to the pub and have a lime and soda water by myself for half an hour, reading my book and waiting. (Although props to the pub for offering cheap non-alcoholic drinks, as too many pubs in London really skewer non-drinkers on that one).

2. Don't Talk About Your Massive Hangover

So once my Johnny-Come-Lately had finally arrived, he did regale me with tales of the party he had been to and how mental it was. And while I realise I'm a little late to the teetotaller's party, I still feel even in my less fervent anti-drinking (or anti-hangover) days I never talked about my hangovers except with the closest friends I couldn't hide it from. I'd always drink some water and pretend I felt marvellous and chipper, and hid my obvious failure to know "when to say when" like the embarrassing and shameful secret it is. So yeah dude, way to alert me to the fact that you're an alcoholic. Great first impression.

3. Don't Invite Her Back to Your House to Sit Around Whilst You Take a Shower

Even though Johnny-Come-Lately has finally arrived, he's still unshaven and smelling slightly from his massive raging party yesterday, so asks if we can go back to his house so he can get showered and changed. Ummm...sure? So we walk back to his house, where I get to just sit around while he does all of the things he should have done way earlier that morning, not at 2 PM.

4. Remember To Take Out the Trash

So we get to the house, and as soon as he opens the door, it reeks. Apparently he'd forgotten to take out the trash in quite a while, so he got that out and opened up all of the windows, but it was hard to hide the unmistakeable stench of, "I'm a bachelor who lives without a cleaning woman, and really doesn't understand the general need for cleanliness and sanitation."

5. Make Sure Your Place Is Worth Seeing

I suppose if you're going to try to give girls the impression that you're a relatively successful guy who owns his own business, the quickest way to erase that impression is to reveal that you live in a tiny little one-bedroom apartment in a condo development in the middle of nowhere. The place was an absolute ground-floor shoebox, with a tiny over-crowded living room, a small galley kitchen, and only one bedroom. I think the place I live with my flatmate was easily over twice as big, and we live in a much better location. Even just sitting in the place made me somewhat depressed, as it reeked of, "I couldn't really afford my own place but I was desperate so I settled for this scrap heap".

6. Be Careful of What You Leave Out To See On Your Computer

If you're going to leave someone you barely know in your house with nothing to entertain themselves while you go take a shower, they're going to snoop. Just accept that. They're going to check out every book you have on your shelves, see what papers you have lying out, and check out what's open on the desktop of your computer. They won't go digging, but they'll definitely check out what you have chosen to leave on display. So how does it look when you've left your e-mail inbox open, which is full of Google alerts, where all of the alert words are "divorce" and "marital law"? Dude, as you're not a lawyer, there's really only one reason I can think of that you would be so fascinated by that topic. (I don't know the background, but a later random comment about having been wedding dress shopping makes me think that perhaps there was a personal interest in the topic of divorce, and a reason he lived in such crappy digs besides being apparently otherwise successful).

7. Make Sure You've Prepared in Advance

The ostensible reason for this get-together was that he was going to show me how to fence. It was a random thing that came up, where I expressed a bit of enthusiasm for learning, and this guy agreed to take me out at the local park near where he lived and show me the basics. We'd agreed upon this meeting several days ago, he'd talked about how he had all of the gear ready to go, and so it was a bit surprising to get out to the park and one of the zippers on the jackets is totally busted. So he has to run back to his house to get safety pins, although wouldn't you have checked on this in advance? So I end up sitting around in the park just twiddling my thumbs while I wait for him to go get safety pins. I use the time to text my flatmate with the assurance "I WILL be home for dinner tonight."

8. Don't Be Too Agressive With Beginners in Sports

Okay, so I understand that the basic point of fencing is to fight other people, and you're going to get whacked. But if you've been doing this for years and are really quite good, and now teaching an absolute beginner, don't use this as an opportunity to show off how much you can whack the hell out of a complete novice. In fact, beating up a girl, even doing so legitimately in the context of sport, is never a way to make a good impression.

9. Don't Overwhelm With Stories of Your Traumatic Childhood

At last once the fencing torture was over (I'm glad I tried it, but don't think it's going to be my new favourite sport), we just sat out on the grass and had a picnic. (I'd brought all of the food of course. You don't think he came that prepared, now do you?) And some of it was actually really fascinating, as he talked about his days as a journalist and how he'd gotten into PR, but also a bit too much about how his parents had abandon him at various boarding schools over the years, where he'd gotten repeatedly kicked out.

10. Sometimes "It" Just Isn't There

In the book, the protaganist frequently talks to her therapist about the "flutter, flutter" feeling you get with some guys. Where it defies all logic and reason, but some guys suddenly make you want to rip all of their clothes off, whereas with other guys you just can't quite picture wanting to see them naked, no matter how hard you try. And it's not even totally based on looks, as the guy from yesterday's story is balding and has really bad eczema, but I still hopped into bed with him as fast as I could get there. Something about the way they make you laugh, the way they catch your eye as though they can read your mind, the little cheeky grin they give you that lets you know they're thinking a few dirty thoughts about you. And you melt and find yourself irrestistably drawn to them, like the pull of a magnet. You want to get closer to their body, any way you can (and with preferrably as few clothes involved as possible).

And then sometimes despite a guy ticking all of the right boxes on an abstract checklist, you find yourself thinking, "PLEASE keep your clothes on, seeing you naked would just be embarassing!" As despite that he's tall and fit and has great stories of adventure to tell, you just feel nothing for him physically. And I've learned that trying to fake it only leads to disaster.

So I departed from him (I think he was perceptive enough after my closed body language on our later stroll around the lake in the park to know I wasn't interested), and went home to my flatmate, who had cooked dinner for the both of us. And we told each other stories, laughed ourselves silly at a comedy program on television, and just had a great evening together.

But I think that's the ultimate indicator: If you'd rather spend a night at home eating your female flatmate's indifferent cooking (I adore my flatmate, she's a wonderful girl, but her cooking desperately needs help!)rather than going out for dinner with him, it tells you something.

Yet even if I didn't find romance, I learned to fence, had a nice day out in the sunshine, and met a guy with a lot of interesting stories to tell. So not a bad date, in the end!