When I was just out of college working at my first job and tremendously bored at work, I was obsessed with a website called etiquettehell.com, where people wrote in to talk about the incredibly tacky, greedy, and just plain poor form they'd witnessed at various events, usually weddings. I'd never had occasion to experience such an event myself, and assumed it was because all of my friends were individuals of such class, and figured I probably never would.
And then my friends Nicky and Ali got married. I've known Ali since Magdalene and Balliol, and we even had a fling after a long-term relationship of mine broke up. It was exactly what I needed at the time, and although I can't even imagine sleeping with him now (it feels like it all happened in another lifetime), we've retained a closeness that I think only former lovers can have. In short, a dear friend.
His fiancee I've also gotten to know well, and she's a girl from a prestigious, if somewhat impoverished, family. Well-connected, she always seems to know a fair number of titled individuals and people in high places, I believe her family is of some minor nobility themselves. Hence, I knew this was going to be a fancy wedding (hats required!) and quite an upscale affair.
The first inkling I had that all might not be as it seemed, was at the wedding in Boston last month, when it was revealed that my friend Nikola had been invited to the wedding, but his long-term girlfriend had not been. When my friend Nikola had called to RSVP and say, "We're so looking forward to attending", the groom had abashedly revealed that there was no "we", that partners were not being invited. I was absolutely shocked by this, given that Nikola has been living with his girlfriend for several years now. I've heard of not giving people a "plus 1" at weddings, but long-term partners are generally considered required invites.
My next clue, was when my friend Nikola asked who else among our "crowd" was going, and I said that I would simply go with who had been at the engagement party for a clue. Except you can imagine my shock again when I learned that many (if not most) of those who had been at the engagement party had not received an invite to the wedding. Who on earth invites someone to your engagement party if not to invite them to your wedding later on?
The final clue came when I puzzled over the wedding invite, where the reception didn't start until 5:30 PM, but was somehow supposed to be all finished at 7:45 PM. How on earth were we supposed to have a sit-down dinner so quickly? It all became clear, when somebody asked me, "Have you been invited to the dinner afterwards?" Afterwards?
Yes, apparently there was an "A List" and a "B List" at this wedding, as they couldn't afford to feed everyone, so they forced the men to hire morning suits and the women to buy hats, all to simply stand around at a cocktail party reception. (At least I will say they were generous with the champagne, as I was feeling a bit tipsy by the end of it all). Any impression that the bride and groom might have had that their guests didn't notice should definitely be dashed, as there was no question that people knew what was going on.
On the whole, it just left a bad taste in my mouth. If they couldn't afford to feed so many people, they should have had the reception at a less expensive venue. Or they should have asked for gifts that cost less than £50 each. Or they should not have forced all of their guests to hire morning suits. I've been to some really lovely weddings that were held in tent marquees, with buffets, or other sorts of money-saving-yet-nice options. The whole thing made me reconsider some other weddings that I've been to with some obvious cost-cutting thrown in.... At least I can argue they bothered to feed everyone!
Anyway, the morning dawned overcast yet clear, actually somewhat warmer than it's been in recent days. I made my way to the church, greeted some familiar faces, and was surprised to see Tristan there as well. Although I suppose it does make sense that Tristan was at Magdalene when Ali and I were there as well, so they would probably be friends.
Sat through the service, which was somewhat long but included many lovely pieces of music, including the Flower Duet from Lamke. I was totally surprised when I realised that the "Miss Elizabeth Bell" singing the piece was my friend Liz Bell! It was amazing to discover some of the hidden talents your friends have!
The most interesting part of the ceremony, for me, was that there was only one ring involved, that the groom gave the bride a ring, but she did not give him one in return. I was so stunned by this, and not sure how I would react if my intended ever told me that he didn't want to wear a ring! It's just such an unquestionable part of the ceremony for me, that there's an exchange of rings, not just the giving and receiving of one! I guess it was just one more traditional part of the ceremony, for even when the reverend asked, "Who gives this woman to be married?" her father answered, "I do", rather than, "Her mother and I do", which is what I'm used to hearing.
After the ceremony, we made our way to the club on old-fashioned Routemaster buses, where as Nikola sat next to me, he remarked, "People were a lot smaller in the old days, weren't they?" Indeed, good thing we are friends, as we were absolutely squished up against each other with no room for our knees, I can only imagine what it would have been like if we were total strangers sitting together on the bus!
We got to the club and made our way upstairs for the reception, where Nikola remarked that he'd never been to the club before, which I found totally shocking. I'm there all of the time, how on earth was it possible that he'd never been there? But then during the reception, we snuck out and I gave him a quick tour of the place, and he seemed suitably impressed by it all.
There were then speeches by the bride's uncle (the bride's father can barely stand up, at nearly 90 years old he is your classic definition of an "older" father, he couldn't even manage to walk the bride down the aisle), the groom's best man, and the groom himself (mostly thanking people for participating in the wedding. And then the final toast was to the bridesmaids. (To the bridesmaids? Shouldn't the groom be toasting his lovely bride?)
Then the bride threw the bouquet (thankfully well away from me), and then everyone was supposed to leave, although Nikola and I went down to the bar, where Tristan had ordered some sandwiches for us, and we found him talking to the bride's brother-in-law (a viscount or something like that) and another guy. Interesting discussion about Annabel's (apparently both were members because the membership itself was cheap, but even they were annoyed about the incredible cost of drinks there), and something else that was more topical, but now I can't remember what it was.
Finally an embarrassed groomsman came out to tell the brother-in-law that it was time to come in to dinner, and then Nikola and I shared a cab back to Notting Hill. I'd originally intended to take the cab on to my place, but after the cab driver got snippy, I decided against it and simply got out and took the bus back to mine.
Once back at my place, I had another party that I was supposed to go to, but I was really too tired, and so instead decided to just make an early night of it!
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